I talk a lot about how pain and trials are just as much God’s blessings as laughter and joy. We tend to equate good things with blessings and trials as something we must endure to finally get to the “good stuff”. What I’m learning, though, is that the “good stuff” is the journey. God’s blessings don’t always come with a pretty red bow. More times than not, they come with a tear, some anger, and a gentle tug from God reminding us of who we are in Him.
I experienced that yesterday.
I was asked to speak for about 5 minutes during our Sunday School class on a topic I love – ministering mercy to the needy and poor and how God’s grace is our pattern for doing so. I knew my topic and was passionate about communicating it to the class. About 15 minutes before I was supposed to speak, though, a crushing feeling of inadequacy and fear overcame me.
I prayed. I popped extra pieces of gum in my mouth. I asked people to pray. I drank some water. I slowed down my breathing. Nothing was working.
As I stepped up to the mic, everything began to fall apart. I stumbled over my words. I looked at every word I was supposed to speak with fear that they wouldn’t come out. I felt the un-comfortableness of the class and that made me uncomfortable for them. Fears of being judged overwhelmed me even though deep down I knew they weren’t. I started off on the wrong foot, and, as I hard as I tried, I couldn’t communicate what was on my heart. I was an utter mess. Every raw nerve was on display for everyone to see and I felt abandoned by God for allowing it to continue.
I was out of control and I hated every minute of it.
Eventually it all ended and I sat down next to my comforting wife. And that is when the real battle began.
Anger. Tears. Silence. Embarrassment. Out of control. Exposed. Why did those things matter to me? What did those feelings say about what I believed of God? Why was I blaming God for what happened? Why didn’t he help or protect me? I needed affirmation during this dark struggle – why do I need affirmation? God and I worked through those questions all afternoon and all night; and, I am still working through most of them with him right now. In my anguish and feeling of abandonment, He’s showing me himself.
Before, during and after that whole debacle, I had forgotten who I was. Even as I type this, I’m having to remember who I am.
I have the DNA of Christ residing in me and I’m made in his image – not in an image I can control or a situation I can remedy. I’m made in his image. I’m loved and desired by the one who calls himself “I am”. Am I still frustrated that God the Protector didn’t show up? Absolutely. But had he shown himself in that way, I wouldn’t have the privilege of working through these issues with him and knowing him deeper as a result.
That’s the real blessing – God coming along side us and saying “hey, let’s take a look at what happened today and work through that together.” It is him reminding me of who I am in Him, even during what I perceive as my worst moment ever.
Thanks for sharing that Rob.
Looks like God did speak to you. He used that situation to make you look Him in the face. I believe He does that to us at times, when we are leaning so hard on our own abilities and understanding. He allows us to put ourselves in situations we cannot possibly control so we will look to Him.
I watch people who are comfortable speaking in public. Sometimes I envy them that, and sometimes it seems as if they come across as insincere and full of themselves. Then I occasionally come across someone who is speaking directly to my heart as if he and I are the only ones in the room, and I am amazed.
I do not like to speak in public, but am called upon to do so occasionally. When I do, I try and remember those people who have connected with me, and I look for someone in the audience to connect to in the same way. Amazing how much better I feel then, especially when I realize that God is probably the one that made the connection, and that something I had to say was going to matter to that one person. It’s like speaking directly to God.
But you really nailed it when you said the value is in the journey. Just remember you may not be the only one in that room on that journey, God may use you and all your strength and weakness to help someone else.
Journey on brother!
Rob, next time you are having anxiety about public speaking just remember… I fell off a stage in front of a room full of CTO’s.
If you can stay on the stage, you’re halfway there!
thanks for your comments Dennis and Josh. I can’t quite picture you falling off a stage, but imagining that sure might help
Dennis – great insight into the “journey” aspect. You are quite right – God has everyone in that room on a particular journey and we never know what He’s using to speak to that person exactly what they need to hear – no matter how good or poorly it is communicated.
thanks for your comments Dennis and Josh. I can’t quite picture you falling off a stage, but imagining that sure might help
Dennis – great insight into the “journey” aspect. You are quite right – God has everyone in that room on a particular journey and we never know what He’s using to speak to that person exactly what they need to hear – no matter how good or poorly it is communicated.
thanks for your comments Dennis and Josh. I can’t quite picture you falling off a stage, but imagining that sure might help
Dennis – great insight into the “journey” aspect. You are quite right – God has everyone in that room on a particular journey and we never know what He’s using to speak to that person exactly what they need to hear – no matter how good or poorly it is communicated.
Rob, Thanks for sharing! Yes, I wish there were red bows to tie up God’s blessings, but you are right, instead he insists we see Him as ultimate, and we are loved inspite of our abilities!